I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
