her vagina looked like bernie madoff
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
