if only i could text you this smell
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
