i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
