I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's never too late to be topless.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
