I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
