Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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