someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
