what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
