Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
