I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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