When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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