he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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