Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
