i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
