The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
