Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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