People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
