o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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