I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
