I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
