I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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