I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Randomize
