So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
