At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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