I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
