I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
