Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
