Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
