my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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