I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
