I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
