Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
