i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
