Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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