So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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