The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
