you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
