He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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