she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
