Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
