Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
