Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
