you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
