Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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