If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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