tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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