Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
