in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
