I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
