Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
